In this soul teaching on how everything is happening for your highest good you will learn:
As humans, we are always quick to praise the Lord or the Universe when things go the way we want them to, but when things go South we fail to see how these situations serve us. Instead, we tend to blame others or we believe that it is the dark forces attacking our light – but neither of those interpretations actually help us turn things around for the better again. Quite the opposite, the more we feel victimized the further away from the truth we become because it obscures the real reason why this situation or experience was drawn into your life.
I firmly believe that every single experience that we have is ultimately happening for our highest good. In fact, I believe that the subconscious mind pulls in the people, situations, and experiences into our lives that are meant to help us heal what was left unresolved in previous timelines. These previous timelines are past life, ancestral, and our current life childhood whereby all ancestral, as well as childhood wounding (click the link for a teaching on this), are always rooted in past life trauma that is still seeking resolution in our current life reality.
“Life is always happening for us, not to us.”
They are the proverbial blessings in disguise, as they serve to help us heal the wounded parts in ourselves and restore our relationships back to love on a soul level with the people involved. This is not just true some of the time, it’s true ALL of the time – there are no exceptions. Every difficult or painful situation, struggle, or challenge we encounter is always a blessing in disguise. It always serves a higher purpose and although we like to tell ourselves that it’s because the other person involved has issues, is mentally ill, jealous, or somehow otherwise to blame, the truth is that UNLESS there was something beneficial in the experience for you – you would not be experiencing it. This does not mean you ‘manifested’ it or are somehow to blame for the bad things that have happened to you. It simply means, that the sh*t we go through is not random and is always an opportunity to become more healed and more whole because of it.
When we are being hit in our blind spot
The reason we often are not able to see this is because what our reality is helping us heal is in our blind spot. A blindspot is an area where a person’s view is obstructed. What is it obstructed with? Unresolved pain and trauma from the past that is held subconsciously, which is a fancy word for saying that it is being held OUTSIDE of our conscious awareness. Much like a vehicle’s blind spot, it’s not that the thing is not there which is in the blind spot, it’s that the driver can’t see the thing that is there. In the Netherlands, which has a strong bicycle culture the one thing children are taught from an early age is to stay out of the blind spot of trucks, which they actually do not call blind spots but the ‘dead corner’ (dode hoek). This calls in an even better understanding of our own blind spots because they are in the dead corners of our subconscious awareness. What do we think of when we think of death? Black, darkness, shadows right? Well, that is exactly where we hold our unresolved pain and trauma in the dark and shadowy places of our subconscious where we attempt to hide them from ourselves because they are too painful to look at or acknowledge. But no matter how much we try to hide them, this does not change the fact that they are there and that they still hurt.
This is why the subconscious mind then pulls in the people, situations, and experiences needed to start making the subconscious conscious. This is what Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was talking about when he said “Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
When we fail to make the subconscious or unconscious conscious, it becomes the reality we live not as a punishment but as a means to heal it once and for all. We know that there is an innate intelligence within us that regulates our breathing, our heartbeat, our hormones, that cleanses and purifies our blood, that keeps our fluid levels in check, that helps us excrete waste in different ways and that protects the body against illness and heals the body when something is broken or when we are sick. That same innate intelligence makes sure that we do not become mentally, emotionally, or vibrationally bogged down by our unresolved past and it does this by creating the circumstances that allow us to come face to face with the things (the unresolved pain) we banished into the dead corners or blind spots of our subconscious.
It does this in the most ingenious way often, not by recreating the exact same experience but by creating similar experiences that trigger the same emotions and unresolved pain that the painful repressed memory elicited in the first place.
In this way, it gently retriggers our old wounds without re-traumatizing us in the process, allowing us to release the originally stuck emotions by having to deal with them in a different way in the here and now moment. But, this mechanism is so ingenious that it doesn’t kick in until it is sure that you are now mature enough and strong enough to face it. This is another cosmic truth, we never get more than that we can handle. We only perceive it as ‘too much to handle‘ when we believe that life is happening to us, instead of for us. When we think poor me, how unfair and see ourselves as being victimized – we lose the plot. Seeing ourselves as victims of our circumstances is always an indication that we are giving away our power.
Blaming external forces directs our attention away from the real reason we are living this particular experience for the simple reason that we cannot look inside ourselves when we are looking to point the finger at an external entity (person, organization, or concept) to blame for what we are going through. This is not to say that we can never allow ourselves to feel victimized because no feeling is ever wrong or not meant to be felt. This is not about spiritually bypassing (read this teaching here on bypassing), the trick is to not get stuck in seeing yourself as a victim of your circumstances and to learn to use your external reality as a means to become more whole and healed because of it.
This isn’t always easy of course, because we are in the midst of our old unresolved pain being triggered but in the end, it is the only thing that will bring us through and out of the experience. When we stay stuck in blaming others, we stay stuck in the experience, or we are given more of the same experiences to deeper trigger the stuck emotions that the experience (situation) and people involved were meant to bring to the surface in order to heal them once and for all.
How do these concepts play out in real life?
Because I know my own healing journey the best I will give you an example from my personal experience that illustrates the above-explained concept and also shows the complexity of these dynamics. I have chosen this specific experience of many different experiences where I have seen this dynamic play out because it’s recent and it ties into so many different timelines and wounding, that it helped bring to the surface to heal. It truly has been a blessing in disguise, despite it being no fun at all to live through.
When I felt called to change my audience and the people I worked with, many of my existing clients were not happy with me. One client, in particular, felt very abandoned by me and started lashing out at me publicly in the Mastermind group, privately on email, and later I found publicly again on another online forum. At first, I tried to reason with her, but she was so irate she refused to see things any other way than the way she interpreted them. This client had a long history of in the end criticizing women, she initially had looked up to. She had beef with Susan Miller from Astrologyzone, Rhonda Byrne from The Secret, and more.
When I started shifting away from Twin Flames because I was being called into stepping deeper into my mission, she asked me if I wasn’t pulling a “Doreen Virtue” on the Twin Flame collective? For those of you who don’t know, Doreen Virtue was a Twin Flame teacher and channeled a lot of work around Angels, she then found Jesus Christ and renounced all New Age teachings including her prior work. I had been the first person that had helped my client make sense of her Twin Flame journey and now I was taking it all away from her, by shifting my focus in my business. In her eyes, this made me just as unreliable as all the other women she had put her trust in, and that had led her down in her eyes.
Here’s the truth though my work is EXACTLY the same work I have been teaching for the past seven years. I changed nothing about my work, the only thing I changed was the extremely narrow-angle I had been focussed on. People on the Twin Flame journey would continue to greatly benefit from my work, but many of them are not interested in it anymore because the main focus is no longer the Twin Flame. However, this is what I have learned from being on the Twin Soul journey for the past close to eight years of which I have been a Twin Flame teacher for almost seven years, this journey is not about the Twin Flame. It’s not about the romantic relationship with them that you so deeply crave – it’s about the new paradigm that it is meant to bring you into as a result of the inner healing work that it triggers.
This is where, in the end, I realized I had to let ‘Twin Flames’ go, despite my huge feelings of loyalty to the origins of my own awakening because the majority of them only wanted to obsess about their person and find ways to force a romantic outcome with them. I realized that instead of wasting my energy and gifts on convincing people that saw little value in my work, other than a means to get what they wanted the woo-woo way, there are other people out there already convinced of the power of healing that I could work with and instead use my energy and gifts to serve more people. This was of course not true for all my Twin Flame clients, some of them really understood what I was teaching and gave it their all. But at some point, I realized that I was fighting an uphill battle when I could actually have a much bigger impact if I put my focus elsewhere.
I didn’t denounce the Twin Soul concept, I didn’t refuse to work with Twin Flames anymore, I simply chose to apply myself to the people who were ready to take action instead of wasting my breath on people who literally used my writings as Zanax to alleviate their anxiety about losing their person. That is not what I was put on this Earth to do and I chose to no longer allow people to reduce my work to something that it was not. I did not come here to play small, I came here to lead a Divine Revolution and show people the way to enlightenment (Ascension).
It’s when I started stepping into who I really am and what I came here to do, that the sh*t really started hitting the fan.
This client together with another client from that group teamed up to make fake profile accounts, which they used to drag me through the mud. They went completely ballistic on me, publicly sharing screenshots from the private Mastermind group (which is a breach of privacy) tearing me down, attacking my character, accusing me of fraud, sharing personal details completely ripped out of context and twisted to support their narrative. It was horrendous. Everything they wrote, dripped with venom and was meant to kill. They hijacked a thread that was about something completely else and basically butchered me, feeling quite proud of themselves for saving others from the fraud they made me out to be.
You know those boyfriends that are like ‘If I can’t have you, nobody can…‘ These women were exactly the same, oh you think you can just walk out and leave me b*tch…? I made you and I can destroy you as well and they tore me to pieces telling anyone who was willing to listen what an incredible scam artist I was. I had helped them and thousands of other people, but because I was leaving the Twin Flame industry none of that counted anymore. If they couldn’t work with me (for free*) anymore, they were going to make sure that NOBODY else would ever want to work with me again once they read the smears they had written about me.
*Due to my previous tendency to overgive I had been supporting people for free for years on end in the Mastermind who were of course making little to no progress in many cases because there was no skin in the game on their side. They had paid peanuts in order to join, amounts like €250 to €750 but had been in the group for three to four years not actually doing anything with what I taught them. I had created my worst nightmare because even though I and a small portion of the group were evolving, the rest was staying stuck often clinging to the very things that I had told them didn’t work, the so-called quick fixes.
There’s a certain ruthlessness to people out to have what they want and willing to kill for it and that is I am sorry to say how I have seen many, but fortunately not all ‘so-called Twin Flames’ show up in their journey. There is oftentimes such a deep obsession to be with who they see as their person that it brings out the worst in people. I have managed Twin Flame groups that no longer exist which had between 50.000 to 100.000 people in them and hate and abuse were so common, amongst themselves and towards the moderators. These groups that were free to join were often cesspools because they attracted a lot of people that were very wounded themselves and often in very toxic and abusive situationships with their person that they then erroneously projected the Twin Flame label on.
Much of my work as a Twin Flame teacher has been around creating a realistic framework of what Twin Flame connections look like in real life and what the Twin Flame journey is really about because there was so much misinformation out there. This quickly made me many people’s favorite teacher on this subject, because there was no one else teaching this level of understanding on the matter. This was why this one client was so extremely angry at me, because who was going to help her make sense of it all if I wasn’t there to hold her hand and support her through the process?
Had she used her time with me working on her actual healing, she would have never lashed out this way. Hurt people, hurt other people. She was one of the people that avoided her healing at all costs because her wounds were so deep and painful. After having her in two rounds of group coaching I finally figured out what she needed to work on, when I told her this she accused me of making it up. She claimed I was just saying things, to have something to say but that I didn’t really know what I was talking about, She went into complete denial and if she could have come through the Zoom call to shut me up, she would have. This incident only fueled her anger for me more, which also became one of the things she would twist to fit her narrative in her attempt to discredit me.
Having left a narcissistic abusive relationship with two kids in my 20s I knew the drill and I knew how to play the game on a physical level. I filed an infringement and harassment claim to the online platform that they posted on and the complete thread got taken down. My client then pinned one reply that had been shared before it was deleted to her fake profile, so I sent her a cease and desist letter threatening to bring in police and lawyers on online harassment charges informing her that I had screenshotted everything she had written. She emailed me to stop being ‘fixated on her’ (which was of course a projection) and shortly after, she unpinned the post.
The other person had never confronted me personally, but she was the one screenshotting things from the group. Not knowing who had breached the group’s privacy rules, I closed down the group and offered people willing to pay a symbolic upgrade fee to continue to work with me. I knew this person was not willing to pay the upgrade fee, one that I had already announced six months earlier to weed out the people who weren’t actually in it for themselves and their own healing journey. In the end, almost everybody from that group left because the focus was no longer on the Twin Flame. Even people that I had thought would stay left, but I was willing to let them go because I had made a commitment to myself to only work with people who wanted to do the work for themselves and so that literally left me with only a hand full of people including my 2021 clients who were upgraded for free because they had already paid a larger sum to join.
Since then I have attracted a completely new type of client that is much easier to work with, in many ways. They get amazing results, and they are not so ashamed of their situation that they don’t want other people to know they worked with me. This was a big thing with Twin Flame clients, who were so ashamed of what they saw as unrequited love that they didn’t want other people to know that they were on this journey. Also, often no matter how great the results were that we achieved within a session – it wasn’t what they wanted most of all which was the romantic outcome with their person. Even when clients would get their romantic outcome, they often didn’t want to share their picture or name because their significant other didn’t know about Twin Flames or they didn’t want their person to find out that they had worked with me in order to be with them. There were such huge levels of shame, that made people want to hide their results combined with a huge skepticism from new people interested in my work that wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just another Twin Flame scam – because so many of the Twin Flame products and services are.
Healers often rely on referrals, which becomes difficult when people don’t want to share their results and don’t want to tell their friends about you because they are afraid of being judged. Plus in the case of Twin Flames, it is rare that Twin Flames know many other people on the Twin Flame journey so the chances that they will refer you are zilch. Even if they convince a friend or a co-worker to work with you when this person is not on the Twin Flame journey they will often feel that your work is not relevant to them when the healing method that I use works on every aspect of your life because it works on healing you. So, working with Twin Flames was really a catch 22 for me and I would often have people say that they loved my work but couldn’t share it more broadly because it was so heavily focused on Twin Flames when it was actually about Soul Ascension and that so many more people would be able to benefit from my work if it was more focused on what it was really about.
Together with my growing irritation in people who were either using my work to self-medicate and do nothing or using my work to get what they want in a way that contradicts the essence of what I teach, this experience with these two women became the straw that broke the Camel’s back. I was done with trying to appease these psychopaths (you’ll understand the context of this term later) and I was completely done with the Twin Flame industry and collective. I have great compassion for everyone on the Twin Soul journey and will of course help everyone who wants to work on themselves for their own healing, but I was no longer going to tolerate the abuse that I had been experiencing for years being a Twin Flame leader and that these women were now exposing me to all over again.
For example, it’s very common for someone to dismiss your whole life’s work and purpose because tatadada you’re not together with your Twin Flame or accuse you of only saying something because you’re not together with your twin. I was done with this kind of nonsense. Another fake account, someone I had never worked with before claimed that because my twin is Indian, I held subconscious anger towards Indian women and would lash out at female Indian clients as a way to avenge my twin marrying an Indian woman – for crying out loud who thinks up such gutter pseudo-psychological interpretations?! Many of my best and dearest clients are of Indian descent and I, of course, have no issue with them nor do I treat them differently than my non Desi (Gori) clients. I was fed up with the pettiness of it all or the constant complaints of outrageous pricing by people who had never worked with me when my pricing are standard industry pricing and no higher than other healers or mentors of my caliber charge. In fact in many cases, compared to them I was undercharging for my products and services. Plus I was giving loads away for free, free weekly teachings, a free oracle app, a free 21-day healing program, free, free, free. Free for the people using them but not free for me to create, offer, update, and so on. I was paying for everything they were enjoying for free.
Now for comparison in 2009, I led a big feminist movement in the Netherlands asking for the equal assignment of value to women’s work. I had gathered a network of 20+ different experts in the field including big names at the time to point out that we had managed to emancipate women, but only to the extent of them fitting in the masculine traditional role which actually had made life more difficult for women because now they had to perform as men on the work floor while being the ones that still did the lion’s share of the unpaid care work. It flopped because the government had no interest whatsoever in changing policies that they felt had to be settled between the man and woman (or same-sex partners) at the kitchen table.
But we did manage to kick up a small ruckus in the press, and one man replied to one of my articles (under my married name at that time) in a big Dutch newspaper with that it was apparent that I needed a good f*ck and could someone please give me a cucumber… Trolls will be trolls and I shrugged my shoulders at this reply. While other women from our network reached out to me to tell me how awful they found this clearly misogynistic remark – it didn’t faze me one bit. Why would I worry about what somebody that I don’t know and who doesn’t know me says about me in reaction to what I wrote. It could have simply been my narcissistic ex who would bring copies of all my media exposure in newspapers and magazines to court to try to get out of paying child support. Who knows? In any case, I did not let that experience hold me back from executing my plan and although it wasn’t as successful as we hoped it would be we did get some people’s attention and maybe even planted a seed that someday will bear its fruits.
The vicious attack by these women who had been my clients was something else that deeply shook me to the extent that Noor my developer who has been with me since 2011 and who was my shoulder to cry on in the early days of my own Twin Soul journey, at some point said to me that he thought that it had really gotten to me what these women did and that I was still letting it undermine me. How true his assessment turned out to be. Noor has been there with me and for me through thick and thin, he is my greatest supporter and is the one quasi outsider that has been with me through this whole process.
He knows the men I have slept with, he has witnessed the full evolution of my business, he was with me virtually when I traveled the world, he has witnessed every success I have had and comforted me through all the times I felt defeated. Noor is my rock and someone that I trust explicitly, in all the 11 years that we have worked together we have never once raised our voice at each other or even became angry. Not even when we were still doing web design and under the stress of looming deadlines. I am older, but we are born only days apart which is maybe why we get along so well. Because of our long history together, Noor can and does tell me what is on his mind and I appreciate his honesty and perspective on matters. Knowing me so well as he does, he immediately noticed how much the shock of this particular experience had impacted my energy up till weeks later. I guess when you have only ever spoken to each other on the phone day in day out and rarely on video calls, you become sensitive to other characteristics such as one’s energy. Just by the tone of my voice when I say ‘Hi’, Noor knows how I am doing. So, when I’m basically energetically flatlining Noor is the first to pick up on it.
They say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me but being someone who has ‘words of affirmation’ as one of their primary love languages, words can cut me deep especially if I know the other person and trust them to a certain degree. In that case, words used as a weapon can and do hurt me deeply BECAUSE words are so important to me.
What it helped me heal …
There’s a reason this incident impacted me so much and that is because it hit me in my blind spot and retriggered a lot of unresolved pain and even deep trauma from the past that I had no idea was still there as I was literally hiding it from myself because it was so painful. Below are the various ways in which this horrendous experience with these two women, helped me heal deep wounds across multiple timelines. This was possible because, I did not waste my time or energy blaming them, holding grudges of focusing my energy on them. Focusing on the external no matter how unjust the situation or experience appears to be, is a distraction from what is really going on and what really wants to be seen. It takes great levels of courage and humility to be able to face what these situations and experiences have come to help you heal when it’s of course much easier to pretend that it’s the other person’s fault in order to wipe your hands clean.
I have even seen healers who charge multiple 5 figures ($30.000 a single session and much more) for their healing, fall into this trap of pointing the finger externally when they keep on recreating the same experience over and over again but fail to see what that experience is trying to help them heal. As a human race, we are so deeply conditioned to look externally or to think in terms of blame, that we aren’t even aware that there is a connection between our current lived experiences and our unresolved past which is why I am writing this teaching to offer you a real-life example of this dynamic.
#1 Restore a past life connection to love
One of the first things that came out was that the main client that was raging at me was someone I knew from a previous lifetime, in fact in that lifetime I had been together with my Twin Soul and he had left me for another woman – she was the other woman. That meant that her coming back into my life now was an invitation to restore our connection back to love on a soul path level. I was invited to forgive her, not only for her behavior now but for ‘stealing my man’ back then. Even though I knew better in that life which was way back in ancient Egypt, I told myself that he had chosen her over me because I wasn’t good enough because doing so allowed me to hold on to him and our love that I refused to let go of. Acknowledging that his leaving had nothing to do with me, would have allowed me to turn around and walk away which I couldn’t do because I refused to let him go in my heart, even though he was gone from my life. A scenario that many Twin Flames may recognize.
It’s interesting that this woman had now come back into my life and was doing everything that she could think of to undermine my self-esteem. When I announced that I had 16 of the in the end 21 students wanting to be the first to learn my revolutionary Akasha Healing™ method she emailed me to tell me she didn’t believe me and that I must be inflating the numbers. When I started using the ™ symbol, she wrote a whole rant somewhere else that I was lying about trademarking Akasha Healing™ because she checked all the registers, but the ™ symbol is specifically used to identify an unregistered trademark still in the process of being registered. Once a registered trademark is registered the owner of that trademark uses the ® symbol instead of the ™ symbol. She also claimed that I was teaching something I had just developed when in reality I had 6,5 years of experience and had worked with over a thousand clients before I started teaching students. Her partner in crime sarcastically chimed in to ask; “….. if it wasn’t time for someone to break the news to me that I don’t own the Akashic Records?!”
With every remark they were belittling me, hammering on the past life wound of not being good enough that I had erroneously created in that ancient Egyptian lifetime that these ferocious women were unbeknownst to themselves helping me bring into my conscious awareness to heal. I could not become, who I am meant to be while subconsciously still believing that I am somehow a failure because a guy left me lifetimes and lifetimes ago. That was a subconscious false belief, that needed to be let go of and these were the people and experiences that forced me to stand up for myself and be and stand in my own authority. I have an amazing gift to share and teaching my self-developed method, to this first group of Akasha Healers has only convinced me more of the immense value of this revolutionary healing method. It is so deeply transformative and my students who are all still in training at the moment are taking each other so deep into their own unresolved pain which is a prerequisite for becoming master healers themselves. A healer can only take a client as deep as they have ventured into their own healing.
This was the first blessing in disguise, but there are more….
#2 Heal the Sisterhood wound
It also helped me heal the sisterhood wound, this is a collective wound through patriarchal conditioning that has programmed women to keep themselves and other women small as a means to appease the superior male within the patriarchal construct. This wound has literally pitched woman against woman to compete and rival for the love, attention, and validation of men. Instead of women working together as sisters, to support each other and build each other up to a higher level, anyone that dares elevate themselves above what is allowed is torn down by the group. In Dutch feminist circles, this is known as the ‘krabbenmand effect’ or crab mentality. A state where women have internalized patriarchy so deeply that they have become the ones that perpetuate it.
The crab-bucket effect is a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither can you”. The metaphor is derived from a pattern of behavior noted in crabs when they are trapped in a bucket. While anyone crab could easily escape, its efforts will be undermined by others, ensuring the group’s collective demise. The analogy in human behavior is that members of a group will attempt to reduce the self-confidence of any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of envy, resentment, spite, conspiracy, or competitive feelings, to halt their progress. Source: Wikipedia
#3 Heal the fear of being punished for being myself
The month that this vicious attack happened I was still fine, but the two and a half months after it I couldn’t make money if my life depended on it, despite raving testimonials from my current clients who were getting unheard of results in as little as a single session. The savings I had quickly disappeared covering my expenses that my income suddenly couldn’t cover anymore. I made money, but only enough to get by in every area of my life except my rent. I broke a tooth in that period and had to go to the dentist to get it fixed which cost €280 in cash that I ended up having and for everything else the money showed up except for the rent, which my landlord didn’t seem to catch onto until the end of the month. I have a relatively high rent, which normally isn’t an issue because money usually flows in without much effort. Luckily, I had paid a three-month deposit so the rent was technically covered. But this is not how I like to do things of course, so in the end, I borrowed the money needed to pay the rent from a friend when yet another client bought a large package that they would pay later.
I have been here before when it’s time to uplevel, in those times often three things happen at once; clients stop coming in, current clients have difficulty fulfilling their payment plans and the people that do want to work with me don’t have the money. That was exactly what was happening to me now, even my six-figure clients couldn’t pay in full all of a sudden.
I worked with a host of healers to try and find what internal situation, was creating this difficult external reality.
In a HeartHealing® session, I stumbled to allow myself to see something that I did not even want to acknowledge. It was a scene with my favorite half-sister who in a fit of jealousy had choked me to the point I couldn’t breathe. She was 14 and I was 5 years old, somehow I was keeping this memory a secret from myself in order to be able to see my half-sister how I wanted her to be and not as she really was. It was as if I was holding the memory a secret to protect her and our relationship. The fit of jealousy had been evoked, by me just being silly me a happy-go-lucky five-year-old, and my father somehow appreciating me for it. My half-sister who had already been sexually abused by our father for the past two years lost it and took it out on me when we were alone in her room. It could have been because my father was appreciating my childlike innocence, when he had taken hers through the sexual abuse he had submitted her to. Or maybe because she felt that she had a special position through her status as her father’s ‘lover’ (which she, of course, wasn’t) and felt threatened in her status. I really don’t know what triggered her jealousy.
The experience taught me that it wasn’t safe to be myself and later when I went to research sibling abuse I found that it made victims of this abuse not feel safe at home. Well, hello where else was this playing out now to help me heal this? In my current home, which I now wasn’t sure I could stay in because all of a sudden instead of everything that I touched turning into gold, it was falling flat on its face.
Another thing I found was the nine characteristics of a narcissistic sibling that I watched in awe because my half-sister had all nine traits and for the first time in my life I could finally see her for who she really was, an incredibly hurt child who was beaten and abandoned by her abusive mother (my father’s first wife) and then sexually abused and beaten some more by her father. Her childhood was even worse than some of the cases that make headlines in the news, no wonder she didn’t know how to love because she never really experienced love herself.
How is this related to this experience with these women attacking me or up-leveling my business? The HeartHealer I was working with immediately saw the connection between what happened with my sister and what happened with these women. As a young girl, I was brutally attacked by my sister for shining my light, being myself, and getting attention and praise from my father. Now, that I was stepping into who I really am, taking my business to the next level, and attracting a whole new category of clients which included psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists I was viscously attacked by these women to help me make conscious this deep fear I held around being myself or outshining others that I didn’t even allow myself to see out of sheer loyalty towards my half-sister.
Because when push came to shove, my half-sister by being a much older sibling was one of my main caregivers which creates a different kind of trauma response next to the well-known fight, flight, or freeze responses. This fourth trauma response is known as fawning which is where we please and appease our abuser to stay safe. “When trusted and loved caregivers neglect or abuse you, a conflict is created where you need to stay engaged in the relationship to survive. However, you also need to defend yourself from the abuse. Tragically, you cannot please your toxic parent AND stick up for yourself. You have to choose. Human beings are hardwired to choose to please the caregiver. One way you are able to please your abusive caregiver is by suppressing your awareness of the abuse.” Source: Lovefraud.com
That is exactly what I did in order to survive my childhood with her and what these women through their vicious assault on my character helped me make conscious because one of the reasons I discontinued my relationship with this specific half-sister over a decade ago was because she was always belittling me even when I was an adult. My half-sister was literally telling me what to think, what to feel, say, do, and so on in every situation. When I became my own boss (started my own business) I cut off all contact with her, because I was no longer willing to allow her to push (boss) me around the way she had always done.
#4 Clear out a whole line of past embodiments
In the meantime, it wasn’t as if the sessions with other healers weren’t helping. In fact, I was frustrated because so many of those sessions went so deep that they could easily be the root cause except that they weren’t. I tapped into a chronological line of previous lifetimes that completely explained much of my childhood wounding. I can now place my last 10 lifetimes leading up to my current life and it all made complete sense, from a life where I was stuck in a metaphorical golden cage as a child and made to feel unsafe in my home by a mentally ill (the psychopath I referenced earlier) abusive mother like the mother in the Sally Field movie ‘Sybil’ to a historically famous lifetime where I was Marie Antoinette and of course, died at the guillotine. Followed by a life where I was strangled and so on, all trauma related to the throat and neck.
All of these lifetimes had to be uncovered before I was able to see the childhood memory of being choked by my half-sister and once that repressed memory was brought back into my conscious awareness, all the trauma that I had still carried from the trauma of being beheaded in the lifetime as Marie Antoinette was released from my body in a session within yet another healing session.
This often happens in client Akasha Healing™ sessions as well that we need to see all the different timelines in which a karmic pattern has played out in order to find the original wound and release it. Because I don’t have anyone yet that can apply my own method to me, I have to often do a lifetime per session with other healers because they work differently and their session time is shorter than mine. I’ll blaze a client through 10-15 past lives in a two-hour session to find the original wound and I seldom give up even if we have to go overtime to find it. People don’t pay me for my time they pay me for my results and my gift to help them move through and past their inner defense mechanisms that they have set up to protect themselves against the immense pain that the original wound represented when it originated, but that isn’t as painful now as they remember it to be.
This same was true for me, even though my experience with my half-sister wasn’t the original wound, that experience was devasting to my 5-year old me who needed her big sister as an ally to navigate the warzone that they grew up in. Yet my adult self had already sort of known that something like this had happened and I was actually surprised it had not come up sooner. The deeper trauma was, of course, the lifetime as Marie Antoinette and interestingly enough I have known about this past life since 2015 probably, my half-sister choking me as a 5-year-old had helped to start to bring up this painful past life trauma that had been haunting me for nine lifetimes in between.
#5 Heal the collapsed inner masculine inside myself
The problem was that even though that whole past life timeline was cleared and healed, my situation still had not changed. I still couldn’t make sufficient money – everything still fell flat on its face and I still couldn’t pay the rent. So, I continued working with healers and the next session I did went to what I had not allowed myself to feel as a young child and this was, of course, this utter helplessness to change my circumstances. With no one that protected me and the situation itself continuing for some years, I was completely helpless to change my circumstances.
It’s these kinds of situations that lead to a collapsed inner masculine.
‘There are several reasons why the inner masculine fragments and becomes collapsed. The most common occurs when a person has been the victim of physical or emotional abuse or neglect as a child. Abuse and neglect stunt the development of the protective and assertive function of the healthy inner masculine. In children, the inner masculine is still maturing and, under the condition of abuse or neglect, the inner masculine learns that he is impotent to protect the child from the destructive behavior of a much stronger adult, or to assert himself with an adult who ignores his attempts. Consequently, instead of developing his potency and skills, the inner masculine gives up and adopts strategies based on withdrawal, passivity or disassociation.’ Source: TheSacredLoversWithin
Not being able to make enough money and not being able to pay my rent I realized had helped me relive this immense helplessness I had felt as a child, but that I had not allowed myself to feel in order to survive my experience. This session worked further on the theme of allowing myself to finally feel all of the emotions I had not been able to acknowledge and accept as a child. Part of truly becoming whole on both a soul path as well as a current life level is allowing in also the parts of you that you have denied or the emotions that you have not allowed yourself to feel (dissociation) or denied they even existed.
For most of my adult years, I thought my childhood had not been so bad, because it wasn’t as bad as the stories on the news. It could have been a lot worse, for example, compared to my half-sister I got off easy as she was much more abused than I was. But that is the crucial mistake we make when it comes to abuse that we minimize our own experiences because they do not match our idea of horrendous abuse. Abuse does NOT have to be horrendous to be traumatic, our emotional reaction to what happens is what creates the trauma not necessarily the event itself.
It’s not the objective circumstances that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized.
#6 Heal the wounded inner feminine
I often share that I spend a small fortune on my own healing, I work with multiple healers on both a weekly and monthly basis but I also invest in other healer’s programs. The current program I am in was an investment of €7000 which includes three one on one healing sessions with the healer, a program I did last year around the shadow masculine & feminine was €1500. Even though I knew about the collapsed inner masculine and the rigid inner feminine for almost a year, had written about it, and recognized them in myself as shadow archetypes – it took me almost a year to uncover the trauma that caused these inner states. Knowing something mentally is not the same as healing it or embodying it.
The truth is that I invest a lot in my own healing journey not only for myself but because I know that the deeper I go in my own healing journey, the deeper I can take my clients in their healing journey. The reason I have become a master healer getting phenomenal results in as little as one session is because I have worked so deeply on my own healing.
It was in one of the guided hypnosis sessions in this most recently bought program that I got to see how my mother being oblivious to the abuse, my half-sister contributing to it, and the early life sexual abuse by my father had created this self-image of being unlovable and unworthy of protection. Because, from the three caregivers in my life, no one was protecting me which made me feel even more deeply unlovable. As there was no one else to protect me I had to become the one to protect myself and instead of feeling like the little princess that was being protected and cherished I felt like this freak, big, strong more like a Quasimodo or an ogre. I realized that this was how the little me saw herself instead of this adorable little girl that I actually was at the time. I wouldn’t call it a full-blown dysmorphia, but I definitely held a false self-image of myself and I would often be surprised when I looked in the mirror and saw my own beautiful feminine features because deeply inside myself I saw myself completely different.
I realized this was why none of my clients had jumped up to protect me when I was so viciously attacked online, they condemned the other clients’ actions, they sympathized with me but nobody jumped in there to defend me. This was also why the men in my life didn’t protect me, not because they were a**holes, although in some cases they were, it was to help retrigger the immense childhood pain of feeling so incredibly unprotected and unsafe at home in my family of origin.
‘If trauma, neglect, or abuse have impaired your inner masculine’s ability to defend you by going to bat for you, tracing boundaries, and fighting off dangers coming at you from the outside, your inner feminine will feel unprotected. She will have to take over the task of protecting herself. In other words, she will try to take on the function of your inner masculine. Since your inner feminine is the receptive part of your nature, responsible for your ability to open up and receive, the only way she can protect herself is by closing off and rigidifying – but at this point, her fluidity and receptivity will be lost, and she will become destructive.’ Source: TheSacredLoversWithin This state of not being able to fully receive, because you are subconsciously in protection mode also impacts finances as is explained further in this linked source on the inner feminine.
Some of you may remember that a little less than a year ago I randomly fell down the stairs on the way to the beach and broke my foot in multiple locations. Back then I found the metaphysical meaning of feet and it has turned out to be spot on. ‘The feet often store toxic energies (as often to do with grief or resentments as not), as far away from the Heart as possible. This means, in the feet. Often, these are issues that go all the way back to childhood. Lacking the tools to effectively release grief or resentment the body stores it, like it stores fat. Over time, more and more toxic energies are stored here and fill up the receptacle. In many cases, the entire leg can become involved and the waste starts leaking back into the system. This is a very serious situation indeed, that can lead to amputations, blood disorders and even death, as the body struggles to protect the Heart. Metaphysically, it becomes clear that the space you are standing in is painful. The key is to move on. Stop dwelling on the past, release or transform whatever it is that keeps you emotionally standing still.‘ Source: Loredana Trandu
Because these were deeply painful and in some cases deeply traumatic emotions that I had been hiding from myself for a good four decades, I had no idea that I was subconsciously dwelling on the past and simply moving forward wasn’t actually an option. In order to truly be able to move forward and leave the past behind us, we have to make it conscious. Because how can we release something that we don’t know is there?
Three days after this realization through the audio-guided hypnosis – money that I had been waiting for, for over two years was suddenly paid out including an extra €1107 unexpected bonus which instantly cleared up most of my financial issues and allowed me to catch up on the current month rent which then, of course, removed the external sense of unsafety because we were no longer at risk of losing this house. Fascinating how seeing my internal sense of unsafety and acknowledging it, changed my external reality in a matter of days. Within three days I went from being thousands of euros behind in rent to all paid up.
What I have learned from all this
During these three months of low revenue and income, I not only worked hard to find the internal cause but also talked to many people about it who could potentially help me. I got very differing advice from upping my marketing to the assurance that this was going on for everyone right now, first it was the pandemic, then the war in Ukraine making people less interested in working on their own healing I was told.
None of it resonated for me though, I knew it wasn’t a question of marketing harder because I have never had to market hard to get clients. I also didn’t want to let fear motivate me, because that is the opposite direction of where I am going. Fear is not my master, love is. So, I didn’t want to throw offers out there out of fear. Everything I did launch was because it intuitively felt right, whether it sold or not.
The other explanation didn’t resonate either because I knew there were other healers and coaches making whole year salaries in one month, despite the pandemic, and despite other world events that we all deeply care about.
I prayed a lot on insights and then I got two messages from a mentor and someone that I reached out, to potentially work with and their message was simple. What worked to bring you to the six figures, is not the same strategy and energetics that will bring you to the seven figures and beyond. If everything suddenly stops working, it’s because the Universe wants your attention in order to bring you to your next level of impact and income that is only available through surrender and letting go of how you think money should show up in your business.
This deeply resonated for me because over the course of being an online entrepreneur I have made over 1 million euros in lifetime revenue. I never had cycles of feast and famine and I have been a six-figure business owner for the past consecutive years. There was no reason why money would suddenly become scarce now. I resonated with what one of my mentors had said felt like she had broken her business and that surrender was the only way through this process while learning the new (paradigm) way of making money, which meant fully letting go of any fear around money.
Shortly after going deeper into surrender the original wound around trusting life and trusting men came up in a massage session. It was a past life in Lemuria, where I was basically butchered as a woman by a man who interestingly is my current life landlord here in Ibiza (this is the third past life together). At that time because we were so much still in a sense of Oneness, telepathy, and so on, this attack came as a complete shock and created deep trauma around feeling/being safe in life. It will come as no surprise that since I have moved into this house I have gained 14 kilos, despite exercising regularly and having a healthy diet. Weight is often subconsciously used as a protection mechanism.
To me, it makes total sense that if my problem since Lemuria has been trusting life that in order to heal this wound I would be brought into a position where this unresolved pain would be triggered with the person that was responsible for the circumstances that led to the trauma. My subconscious mind, my forever faithful servant pulled in the people (the landlord), the situation (too little income), and the experience (retriggering my sense of not being safe) in order to help me heal it once and for all both on a current life as well as a soul path level.
This was of course also what my father, my mother, and half-sister had retriggered in my early childhood. I would have never gotten to this level of healing if I would have kept blaming others for what I thought they did to me.
But what about the people that did hurt you?
Does this absolve the others involved from taking responsibility for their own actions? Absolutely not, the fact that a situation, person, or experience helps you heal a deeper unresolved pain or trauma does not make their actions right. Nor does it mean they should not face the consequences of those actions. In 3D we tend to think in terms of either/or, so it’s either their fault or you are to blame. In 5D the whole concept of blame does not exist, it’s a lower consciousness perception of reality. The 5th dimension is an and/and paradigm, so a person, situation, and experience can offer tremendous healing and at the same time, the actions taken by either or all parties involved can have karmic repercussions or even legal consequences that need to be pursued.
These realities can co-exist together, just because something has helped you heal more and become whole on a deeper level doesn’t mean that the other person had the same growth or even awareness and they may continue to hurt other people if you don’t take action.
In the case of this client going berserk on me, I had her rants removed from the platform they were posted. I confronted her and sent her a cease and desist letter which made her stop. But, had she not stopped, I would have filed a police report and sent in my lawyers. The incident was an absolute blessing in disguise, but that doesn’t mean that I have to allow this kind of behavior towards me or that I want her lies and smears about me on the internet. So, I took the physical actions needed to protect myself AND stayed open for the deeper level of healing that this experience was a catalyst of in my life.
I think that this is where it often goes wrong in spiritual circles where people believe that every situation is here to teach you something, which can feel very condescending. We don’t want to see people that hurt us as our teachers and they are not, because they might not have any awareness at all, around their actions. They may simply be acting from their own wounding instead of a deeper or higher understanding than yours, which is what the image of a teacher conjures up. This is why I resonate more with the idea that they are helping you heal something, that they themselves aren’t necessarily aware of. Your subconscious pulled them into your life to help you recreate a situation or experience that helps you bring up unresolved pain and wounding from the past. Especially when what they did was very painful, it will be next to impossible to see them as your ‘teacher’ which is why such rhetorics actually hinder our healing process because they create huge inner resistance.
I pray this teaching helps you find the true root causes of the challenges and struggles you are currently facing in your life. As you can see in what I have shared from my personal story even the worst experiences we go through serve a higher purpose and have come into our lives to help heal ourselves and become whole on a deeper level.