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The fine line between setting boundaries & being a doormat in the name of unconditional love

by Sabriyé Ayana

Bestselling author, new paradigm business, life & soul mentor, founder of the Akasha Healing™ method and the School of Inner Union

In this soul teaching on the fine line between setting boundaries and being a doormat in the name of unconditional love, you will learn:

  • Why setting boundaries is not as healthy as it seems
  • How you often confuse codependent behaviors as unconditional love
  • The purpose of your Twin’s ‘bad’ behavior as it relates to your wounding
  • Why 3D romantic rules don’t apply to the Twin Soul connection
  • And more…

When you think your twin is just being a @#*ker

Let’s face it if your Twin Soul is running and you are chasing or you guys have stopped talking altogether, then you probably encounter behavior in your twin that you would never in a million gazillion years accept from anyone else.

In fact you would be saying ‘Bye, Felicia‘ to anyone pulling the stunts your twin pulls on you.

It’s mind maddening, here you are having met the guy or girl of your dreams and still even though the other is quite likely into you too – you just can’t get them to commit. Or the say they want you, yet they stay away. They promise they’ll call and then they don’t. They cancel last minute or just plain don’t show up. And when things really get nasty, you are left spilling your guts over text or email which they diligently read but don’t reply too. For all you twins who went down the rabbit hole, you know you can basically say anything to your twin and they still won’t block you and even if they do they somehow regret it fairly soon and unblock you again.

Let’s just say their behavior defies all logic and leaves you wondering, what is wrong with you dude?!

The Divine Feminine tends to responds in two ways to the DM who is not giving her what she wants (which we will dive into deeper later on). Guys turn it around, gays and lesbians make it work for you. Remember the DF is not always the female and the DM not always the male.

When confronted with his erratic behavior (let’s be honest it makes no sense, not even to the DM, he also doesn’t know why he is pulling this sh*t and he feels guilty AF for treating his DF this way) – the Divine Feminine:

  • Either tries to force him to give to her what she wants and calls this setting boundaries or
  • Becomes his doormat and accepts all the cr*p he dishes out because like a deer caught in the headlight, she is afraid he will dump her if she stands up to him

Do you recognize yourself in one of these behaviors? Or maybe both? Actually neither of these ways are the ‘right’ way to handle the wishy-washy twin, that fails to do as he says and fails to commit. These two behaviors are in fact two sides of the same coin. While the latter is clearly someone giving away their power, the first one is NOT standing in your power even when it may feel very empowering to you.

It is you trying to overpower the other, in order to get your needs met.

Let me explain this.

Why setting boundaries is not as healthy as it seems

In my online program the Align to Your Divine Plan Twin Soul Mastery Program I teach that a healthy boundary is always about changing something inside yourself, that almost never needs to be communicated to the other.

As soon as you are wanting to communicate a boundary – this should be a red flag, that you are most likely trying to prompt a certain response from the other. Because a real boundary is an energy shift in you and as we are all vibrational beings walking around in meat suits, any vibrational shift you make automatically shifts your outer experience.

What most people call setting a boundary, is in fact a masked attempt to force and coerce the other person into the desired behavior you want them to exhibit.

That’s why setting boundaries usually comes down to telling people what they need to do to keep you in their life or pulling away your affection and attention to trigger their fear of loss indirectly. Both versions use the triggering of fear of loss, directly and indirectly – which makes it a very manipulative way to treat the other person.

You are basically threatening ‘Give me what I want, or else…’

You want the other person to do A or say B and because they are not, you do C or say D to get action A or B from the other by force. Setting boundaries the 3D way is purely based on triggering fear of loss in the other, in order to elicit the behavior that you want from them. If they don’t do A or say B on their own, you’ll lean on them like the mafioso to make sure they do.

It’s tricky because when we are doing it, it seems like we are right. It seems crystal clear that the other person is being a total jerk and what is worst most people and advice from professionals would be on your side – they would say you are right to react the way you do.

But here is the problem, you cannot apply the old 3D paradigm romantic love template to the Twin Soul connection and that is what all these people agreeing with you are basing their frame of reference on. Setting boundaries within this template, means trying to control or alter the behavior of the other.

It is an ego response and people often say ‘I deserve better than this’, ‘I don’t accept this kind of behavior’, ‘I love myself’ and on and on. They blame the other person for mistreating them or not giving them the love and respect they deserve and blame is always ego.

When you change YOU, you don’t attract this bullsh*t behavior anymore!

But the simple truth is, listen carefully – you can’t change the other person.

You can only change you and when you change you:

  • that person stops doing what they are doing or
  • they leave your life completely because you are no longer a vibrational match to their sh*tty behavior.

Sister, if this man is your Twin Soul he is not going to leave your life. He is just waiting for you to find the wounds he is triggering in you with all the stuff he does or most likely is NOT doing, so you can heal them and move closer together again as I will explain later on.

So don’t waste your time on trying to fix him, he knows better and he knows how to give you what you want – but it ain’t time yet. Because you need to learn to give yourself what you want first, instead of trying to get it from outside of you – even if you have to break someone’s fingers to get it… (i.e. get it by force).

That’s the old 3D way, but us 5D Goddesses (Yo Gods you too!) have had to learn be our own source of everything – just like our creator.

Codependency masked as Unconditional love – aka becoming the doormat

On the other end of the spectrum we have the codependent reaction to the twin distancing, not replying, not initiating, being with someone else etc.

Now all you ladies breaking fingers to get what you want, don’t go sighing in relief that at least you ain’t no man’s doormat because when it comes down to it and all your pushing and shoving backfires on you guess where that catapults you?

Yep, right here where your own fear of loss gets triggered and codependency kicks in.

You really need to see that it is one and the same energy whether you are in doormat mode or you are banging on his head to give you what you want – both are coming from your fear of loss being triggered. You just are reacting to it from two different ends of the spectrum.

Setting boundaries is trying to leash your twin, while codependency is allowing yourself to be leashed by your Twin Soul.

This is also why I said before, both ways are not the ‘correct’ way to deal with a rogue twin going MIA on you. Because both ways are coming from the same lack- and fear-based perspective. You could actually say that the one (forcing) is the yang reaction and the other (doormat) is the yin reaction to your OWN fear of loss being triggered by the undesirable behavior in your Twin Soul.

And girl, I have been there. I know how f*cked up things can get. I know how stupid a man can be. I feel for you and all your frustration and yet I am going to tell you straight to the face – the solution is not on his side, the solution lies in you.

The ONLY way out is by changing YOU, upgrading your own vibrationally frequency to the point that you are a vibrational match to the love you want to see mirrored back to you.

Because whether you are forcing him or manipulating/seducing him by bending over backwards to keep him in your life – the same way out applies. When you change YOU and going to the other spectrum is not actually changing it’s staying in the exact same frequency of fear of loss, so when you REALLY change you – he will stop acting like a jack*ss or he will leave your life.

For everyone identifying with codependency, becoming a doormat and yes even all of you that believe unconditional love means being okay with EVERYTHING he dishes out – the idea that this man or woman could leave your life forever scares the living daylights out of you.

It is exactly that fear that makes you put up with everything, even when you know you should not.

You need to learn to love yourself unconditionally first!

Unconditional love doesn’t only apply to the twin – above all it applies to you. What you have to understand is that if this person is truly your Twin Soul you HAVE to (no exceptions evva) learn to love yourself first.

Because just as forcing the ‘love’ response is trying to get your needs met externally, codependency is NOTHING BUT substituting your own lack of love with an external source. So whether you are trying to force or seduce your needs being met outside of you, they are first one and the same concept and secondly a great big no-no on the Twin Soul journey. Because this journey is meant to shift you out of the two halves becoming one whole romantic illusion in order to have you remember that you are already a complete whole being in yourself.

You’re twin being such a piece of work and seemingly creating all the hold-ups when if it were up to you, you would already have a ring on your finger and a bun in the oven.

He is doing it all for you baby, so you can remember who you truly are.

You see many see the Divine Masculine as the so called ‘un-awakened’ twin but that is a misconception. Just because the DM is not consciously aware of the connection, does not mean that he doesn’t subconsciously know what he is doing. His higher self is on top of this and you DO NOT have to be afraid (fear of loss rearing it’s ugly head again) that his ego will mess up ‘union’, because his 3D self seems to be ambivalent about it or not want it. The higher self is the boss and craves union as much as you do.

If this is your Twin Soul – the bad behavior is meant to trigger your subconscious wounding

I talked before about the love you want to see outside of you, being reflected back to you.

What you need to understand is that your twin, is currently reflecting back to you – your own lack of self love.

Consciously you may think ‘I love myself enough!’ but your conscious awareness only directs your life for 5% the other 95% is subconscious, which means you are not aware of the subconscious beliefs that may actually not be congruent with this ‘I love myself’. Like a past life memory, in which you believed you weren’t good enough or an inner child wound around your parents pulling away their love from you when you did not behave in the way they wanted you to behave. We all carry eons and eons of unresolved pain in our vibrational field.

His (or her) being a jack*ss, is meant to help you feel all these subconscious wounds that are keeping you from FULLY loving yourself the way you want to be loved and when you start loving yourself in that way, guess what? It will be reflected back to you in your outer experience.

Let’s take a concrete example – recently in one of the bigger Twin Soul groups a DF posted a post that her twin had not texted her for two or three days and then acted like nothing was wrong asking her if she hadn’t forgotten about him (he was feeling insecure as well).

Apparently she felt that he took too long and wanted to not react to him – to teach him that she had self esteem, she had boundaries and she didn’t accept a man treating her like that.

I pushed her a bit, which she did not like but after some needed introspection she realized that when he didn’t message her for a couple of days that she felt insecure that he might be spending that time with someone else and that she in fact felt jealous.

There were so many women on Facebook trying to get his attention and in her mind he was maybe having a blast with them, when he wasn’t texting her. The problem wasn’t that he was not texting her quickly enough, the problem was what she told herself what that meant when he didn’t text her for a couple of days.

It was her own wounding around being beautiful enough, sexy enough, good enough, interesting enough, etc. that were being triggered and made her FEAR that if he wasn’t giving her the attention (confirmation of her worth) she craved for that she had LOST him to someone else (read: better).

From a 3D perspective he went AWOL on her and in a loving committed relationship that is considered unacceptable behavior. All your 3D minded friends would say: ‘Dump his @ss, girl you can do better!’

From a 5D perspective, the guy did her a solid favor and pinpointed to her exactly where she needed to up her game in loving herself. Before she was pushed to look at herself, she was using self love as a reason for setting boundaries with him in the way she wanted to. But that wasn’t self love talking, that was ego talking. Because when she paused and went to look inside to see which wound was being triggered in her, she realized that without knowing it before she was afraid he didn’t find her ‘enough’ and may have found someone better.

How is that for a change in perspective?!

By the way do you see that beautiful twin mirror sh*t happening in this example? She was ready to teach him a lesson because she deserved better, when in fact she was afraid when he didn’t message her as often as she wanted that he may have found someone better. His message to her (which she shared) was basically the same theme as well – saying ‘Hope my babe don’t forget about me?’ indicating the same message in dude language – please confirm that I am still important to youI haven’t heard from you and I am hoping you are still into me… (and haven’t found someone better).

Why 3D romantic rules don’t apply to the Twin Soul connection

It is a massive mind-bender as almost everything is on the Twin Soul journey, where you learn to do things the 5D way instead of the old 3D paradigm way.

But the truth is this stuff doesn’t even work in 3D relationships, simply because you can’t change the other. So even if you are not in a Twin Soul relationship, my advice would be the same:

Change YOU and your outer reality will reflect that new vibrational state right back to you.

In a Twin Soul connection your twin will not budge an inch when you push or shove, nor when you beg or plead, not even when you turn on your seduction powers – he or she will simply not give you what you want. It is pre-designed that way, as I will explain later on.

Have you ever noticed that once your twin goes into distance mode, there is NO way to bring them back. God knows I have tried, those topless pics that he usually adores they don’t work. And sending pics of the nether regions when you haven’t spoken in six month would just feel psycho. But you know what, even if you did it wouldn’t work. I know I tried EVERYTHING (well except the pussy pics but I am certain many of my readers tried and failed as well).

During the summer of 2015 my twin once said after for the first time insisting on seeing my naked body after he ran ‘Now if I ever run away from you again, you know how to bring me back.’ Trust me, it never does and what a freakshow he would be if it did right?! Not very twinny if that were the case.

Even if it does trigger something in them, it won’t last because it isn’t meant to go that way. This is just not another ‘boy meets girl’ love story or any other variation thereof. If you want to know more about this, please download the free Ultimate Guide to Inner Union to understand what the Twin Soul journey has come to do in your life.

So that summer of 2015 mr. best sex ever (until then) turned up in my back yard and worked his way into my house and his hands all over my body. I had been celibate for eight or so months, but I had no problem saying no to him and getting his hands off my body and moving him back out into the back yard, where he could go back to the neighbours who he was visiting. I was saving myself for my twin, even when we had never met, never touched or even kissed.

I had texted my twin just before and this was one of those rare moments that he did reply as soon as he got my message. He actually loves reading what I have to say and then not reply back. I had been working out and loosing weight and he was like ‘How uncanny I have been doing the same!’ No shocker there for Twin Souls, but it got him to reply so I was happy.

I innocently told him about the fact that mr. best sex ever had just passed by, but that I had had no problem saying no because I only wanted my twin. I am not sure how this came about, maybe it was in reaction to my twin who kept wondering why do you want me? He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that I was saving myself for him and we had never met in real life yet…

Anyway I didn’t trigger it on purpose but I did trigger his desire to be my mr. best sex ever and he certainly is. He suddenly became all man, demanding me to show my naked body and I happily gave him what he wanted. Are you kidding me? This was the first time he allowed himself to show any sexual interest in me again after first running away and then having to admit he couldn’t forget me either.

He then proceeded to describe how he wanted to make love to me which was our first and only episode of sexting ever and even though we both had our hands on our phones and nowhere else, my body reacted to his words as if it was actually happening. It was out of this world amazing. If this was already this intense, what would it be like in real life?!

I was actually sick the next day from the energy upgrade it brought us. It was that intense.

A couple days later he hooked up with his ex-girlfriend who had already not helped him to forget me the first time and I got invited to come to India (which was probably what allowed us to reconnect in the first place). He refused to talk to me for three months until I was there and then ended up cheating on the girlfriend because the only reason he got involved with her in the first place (she got engaged to someone else while I was there) was because he wanted to protect himself against his strong feelings for me.

He was like a caged tiger in my hotel room in India pacing around trying to explain that he doesn’t even allow himself to love me the way he wants to love me, because otherwise he would certainly do something that would hurt his family.

Which brings us to the reason why things are set up the way they are in Twin Soul relationships. If he would have come to me, like I asked him to and like he wanted to, I would never have gotten to the place where I am now.

At the airport he had to repeat what he said four times because his voice kept breaking with emotions. He didn’t even show up because he just didn’t know how he could let me leave his life again. On the phone when I said I wished he was coming with me, his voice broke with every attempt to tell me that he wanted nothing more than to be able to be on that plane home with me.

So why didn’t that happen? Why did he marry someone else instead, not even someone he fell in love with – but a girl selected by his family to be his wife? The answer to this question, is the same answer to you about why your Twin Soul is holding out at the moment and dragging his/her feet when it comes to you.

Your twin is the proverbial dangling carrot and your soul is the one dangling the carrot in front of you.

Because if I would have gotten him when I wanted him or if you would have gotten your twin when you thought it should have happened, you would not become who you are meant to be as part of the process.

You would not come any closer to Twin Soul union, you would just stay the smallest version of yourself and you would have an average 3D romantic love relationship with your twin that could be anywhere on the spectrum of either very toxic or a dream come true.

Although chances are that you would be triggered left and right like most people are because of all the subconscious wounds that would have been left unaddressed inside of you. You would have had your romantic fantasies come true, but it wouldn’t have gotten you, to living the BIGGEST version of yourself because nothing challenged you to come out of your comfort zone.

If that man would have come after me end of 2015 like he said he wanted to or if he would have left his wife in the beginning of 2017 (three months into their marriage)  when he told me he would be on a plane towards me the very next day, if he would ever leave her – I would have not been able to write articles such as these because my experience would have been limited to getting the physical relationship.

But most of all this journey would have not lead me to heal the CORE WOUNDS that were f*cking up my life whether my twin would be with me or not.

Now if he would decide to come to me – I am now living the highest (and still increasing) version of me. I have healed my core wounding and I have started anchoring in 5D.

The me who he met in April 2014 was the caterpillar version of the breathtaking beautiful butterfly I have become in the past four years and that I was always meant to be.

Getting the romantic relationship NOW nearly always means your twin is getting the caterpillar version of you, instead of the butterfly version that is unlocked through the Twin Soul alchemical process.

The same applies the other way around, you don’t want the caterpillar twin. You want the butterfly version of your twin and in order to get there you need to become the butterfly first. When you do, you will be amazed how your twin even when it looked like nothing was changing, went through the same process you went through.

You can only have reflected back to you, what you have achieved in yourself. This is how this Universe that we live in works.

Even if your twin soul would never come back to you, and you would not get the romantic fantasy you dreamed of with them – wouldn’t you rather go through life as a beautiful butterfly soaring the skies than remaining to be a caterpillar that never gets off the ground?

So how do you step into your power?

We have established that setting boundaries the 3D way is just the other end of the spectrum of reacting from fear of loss. So if setting boundaries is not stepping into your power, what is?

You step into your power when you start OWNING every single manifestation in your reality as something you chose to experience and that is happening for your highest good.

If you (your soul) chose this and this is happening for your highest good then, what is the gift you are being offered?

This also applies to BS behavior. I have been amazed about how the 50 shades of silence on my journey have done the trick for each and everything that I needed to address in myself. Honestly if my twin had kept on talking to me I would still be a baby caterpillar, trying to get my needs met outside of me. It was through his pulling back and no way to bring him back (remember even the way he promised would work, had zilch effect) – that I was thrown back onto myself and left to ponder in silence what needed to be healed next.

Your higher selves have got this. They know exactly what is up next…

Sure it has happened to me that I went off on him only to realize that I was dead wrong and should have kept my mouth shut. It happens, we are allowed to be ‘stupid’ as well it’s not only the prerogative of the DM. The trick is to become aware of it when it happens. Stepping into your own power means becoming aware of your subconscious beliefs and pattern and owning your responsibility for healing them instead of projecting them by default onto the other.

Will you always be able to do this perfectly? No, you’ll f*ck up, run your mouth off and regret it sometimes – but that’s okay. The objective is not perfection, the objective is becoming aware of the fact that YOU ARE THE CREATOR of your own reality and that by changing your inner beliefs, you change your everyday 3D physical experience.

To be honest our higher selves laugh at our 3D selves getting our panties in a bunch over nothing. I mean even if you do go off on him once or twice – he will be as quick to forgive you as you forgive him. I went bezerk on my twin and he still reads everything I have to say to him immediately. Even if he can’t read it then, he will get himself somewhere private where he can read and take in my words as quickly as he can.

That’s his 3D self, he has never held a grudge and neither have I.

But no matter how much I have told him off in 3D, it has not prevented his higher self from showing up for healing sessions and activations whenever needed. Your higher selves are always working towards union, no matter what your 3D selves think they are doing.

Just take the example above – my twin and I had NO CLUE whatsoever that night in 2015 while he was all over me energetically, that I would be in India three months later sleeping in his arms while he snuck into my room when everyone was asleep. I didn’t get invited till two weeks later by my twin’s best friend who was getting married.

Our higher selves knew it was coming and knew I would need something to hold onto while he went in panic mode and refused to talk to me.

Can you imagine getting on a plane to India without knowing if the person you want to see most, will be happy to see you? I had to do it and the only thing that kept me believing in us was this day the 24th of August 2015, that my twin had in all ways including a super long email about his feelings, shown me what I meant to him.

I clung to that memory, because it gave me the courage to face all my fears. All his friends were laughing behind my back, but I didn’t care because I wanted to know the truth about us no matter what and the only way to find out was to go and meet him face to face.

It was that trip to India, that opened up my healing powers that I use in the Akasha Healing Journeys™ with my clients. So our higher selves were very keen on making sure I would get on that plane, no matter what his 3D self was doing or NOT doing.

How to set authentic healthy boundaries

It’s also from this place of fully owning your 3D experience as your own creation, that you can set authentic healthy boundaries because you now understand and clearly see where you were doing things you don’t feel aligned to because you were acting from a scarcity mindset and fear of loss.

The boundary then becomes about closing up your own energy leaks instead of trying to get someone else to behave differently to you.

For example when I started out doing healings, I was so psyched about helping everybody that I would make payments plan work for every budget – just so everyone could afford to work with me.

Guess what? Most people s*ck at fulfilling their payment plans and they would have gotten their session with me in good faith and I would get stuck with the bill. The same would happen with the Twin Soul program and I would constantly have to ask people to pay. Because even the people on a payment plan used to get the full program on paying their first installment, now each payment unlocks the next set of modules.

What I didn’t do is make this a story called ‘What is it in me that makes people take advantage of me?’ The method I am teaching you, is not yet another method to put yourself down with or to flog yourself with because you are so worthless bla bla bla. Don’t go there! Blame is ego and never get’s you closer to finding a solution.

What I realized was that it was not my responsibility to help people heal. It was their investment in themselves and their own lives and that it was a very important part of their healing process to have them fully carry that responsibility themselves. They needed to want to make the shift, more than I wanted them to.

So I stopped offering payment plans and two interesting things happened because of it, my clients were getting much better results (duh! they were much more motivated now that it wasn’t coming on a silver platter) and two my income skyrocketed. Part of the payment plan energy was me being afraid (lack and scarcity consciousness) that if I didn’t offer payment plans that only a select few would be able to work with me. When I dropped that belief, the opposite became my reality – more and more people wanted to work with me.

I didn’t go out on a crusade to change my clients. I refused to put anymore energy into lack consciousness which was attracting clients who vibrated at that energetic frequency. I cut my losses and took the steps to align myself to the people I DID want to work with and they came in droves.

I made that shift without one ounce of blame towards myself for attracting these lousy paying scarcity mindset people (and some did pay very diligently – but the majority didn’t). I just corrected my mistake and basked in the awesome results it brought me in client progress, client satisfaction and rise in income.

When I tell you to change YOU I do this because – I know this stuff works.

Only YOU can change your vibrational frequency and when you do your whole reality shifts with you. You have the power to align to ANY reality you want, all you need to do is remove all the beliefs and subconscious programs that believe otherwise.

I pray this article helps you to shift out of your fear of loss and your coping mechanism of choice at each end of the spectrum. I pray it will help you see that the true way out of any experience you don’t particularly care for, is through shifting your vibrational frequency and aligning to what you want to see reflected back to you.

You are the power, you create your life!


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Book an Akasha Healing™ Journey with me to release the unresolved pain and wounding that is keeping you stuck in reliving your unhealed past whether that stems from your childhood, ancestry, or previous lifetimes.

It’s through healing the wounded ego, that we not only come into union with our soul – but unlock our soul’s superpower to create the reality we dream of.

Have you tried everything else to manifest the life of your dreams, but failed?

This is because your ego and your soul were not on the same page. The key to unlocking your private version of Paradise is healing the separation between the ego and your soul.

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The Ultimate
Guide to Inner Union

Have you tried everything else to manifest the life of your dreams, but failed? This is because your ego and your soul were not on the same page.

Learn the secret to unlocking Heaven on Earth!

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