In this soul teaching on how a wounded inner child can sabotage your love life and Twin Flame connection, you will learn:
This is not to condone childhood abuse or in anyway indicate that we should not protect children against predators or abusers, that would be neglectful. If you are aware of a child being hurt, you should ALWAYS take steps to protect them. The fact that you know that the child is being hurt, is the Universe intervening through you. Otherwise you would have not been alerted to the situation, if it was not meant to be stopped immediately.
It never means that a child should continue to suffer because it’s ‘good’ for them on a soul level, as that makes absolutely no sense. As adults it is ALWAYS our duty to protect a child, whether it’s our biological child or the child of a stranger. I want to be very clear about this, child abuse is unacceptable, no matter what. It should always be stopped as soon as it is suspected by an adult or reported to an adult by the child or someone else.
However, for those of us that as adults are now looking to heal our past, we need to understand that our childhood wounds no matter how painful they are – were meant to help us heal an even deeper pain that we brought in with us from a previous lifetime. It is one of the myriad of ways that we PLAY out our subconscious wounds that we brought in from previous timelines or through our ancestral lineages.
This still does not make the bad things that have happened to us ‘okay’, but it does allow us entry to a deeper healing path that helps us release our deepest sabotaging patterns and pain. We have to move past the blame game to do so. For those on the path of Ascension, we know as souls that we chose every detail of our incarnation with the utmost care to assist us in our Divine Plan, which includes the choice of our parents and childhood circumstances for example.
As adults we cannot continue to blame our parents, for the choices we made on a soul level – if we truly want to heal and move past the ego illusion of separation. As adults it’s our responsibility to own our own creations, whether they were intentional or not.
Yet, even when we can as adults understand what happened and see how this was indeed part of our soul plan…
Our inner child* remains a child forever and as such needs to be allowed to process the emotions that caused the trauma to begin with. As adults it is our job to re-parent our inner child and help them heal the damage that often our own parents and other care-takers caused.
Make no mistake however, even normal parenting situations can be experienced as traumatic for a child, I’ll link an example of this further on. Not all trauma is caused through abuse, deaths can be traumatic, divorce, fights between parents and many other situation that do not cause direct injury to a child can mentally and emotionally scar them for life. Keep this in mind, while you read this teaching, you may not have been abused but this DOES NOT mean that your inner child isn’t wounded.
*Your inner child is the part of your personality that still reacts and feels like a child.
Source: Cambridge Dictionary
What my childhood was like
To understand the complexity of my inner child wounding, I will first have to sketch an image of what my life was like growing up. Although I share my personal story with you, it’s important to remember we all carry inner child wounding whether we have had relative happy childhoods or not.
I would have told everyone up until my mid-twenties that I had a relatively happy childhood. It wasn’t until then that I started to remember things, that I had forced myself to forget….
Inconvenient truths that others didn’t appreciate me bringing up or tried to tell me never happened, because it was too painful and too shameful to admit.
I am the only child of my father’s second marriage, my father had three children from a previous marriage of which the youngest is nine years older than me. My father was a very damaged person, his father and main caretaker died two days before his 7th birthday. My grandfather was shot by friendly fire during the second world war. My grandmother a widow with four children, couldn’t handle my father.
By the time he was nine he was placed in the school headmasters home, where also two of his cousins had been placed post-war. This was the first home of over a dozen different homes that my father grew up in over the course of a decade. Which means that he was shoved around a lot and didn’t really have a place to call home.
My father despite having a university education, a good job at the University of Amsterdam and a good income, was an alcoholic which was part of the reason that I grew up in an emotional warzone. He and my mother fought like cats and dogs and he would beat my mother in front of us (me and my two half-sisters who lived with us).
When he was angry things would fly, such as dishes, food, whatever was there in front of him. He also cheated on my mother with every woman that would have him and on top of that he sexually abused me and my youngest half-sister.
For me, the sexual abuse started when I was two years old and continued till I was three, my youngest half-sister was twelve by then and my father started raping her from that age. This stopped my sexual abuse, because my sister was easier to control through fear. It’s more difficult to keep a toddler quiet, especially now that I was able to speak…
My mother got a divorce when I was seven and we immigrated to the United States when I was nine years old. I did not speak any English at the time. I lived with my mother in California for 4,5 years where I enjoyed a very privileged lifestyle of attending private school, piano lessons, horseback riding and so on, before she sent me back home to my father.
When I returned to my father I spoke only English and had to relearn my native language (Dutch) all over again. I moved from sunny California to rural Groningen in the Netherlands, which was like going back decades in time – an absolute culture shock where I was literally surrounded by farmers and cows. Most people there didn’t even speak Dutch, but a bad dialect that sounded to me like a completely different language.
To top it all off, my dad had moved in his girlfriend who was the proverbial stepmom from hell…
I was 13,5 when my mother sent me to my father and because my dad was a known sex offender, my half-sisters went ballistic and put security measures in place. My oldest sister then 25 called child protective services in advance to alert them of the previous situation with my younger half-sister and my younger half-sister then 22 threatened my father with rape charges if anything happened to me.
My father moved in his girlfriend and she was also informed about the previous situation and was meant to make sure history didn’t repeat itself, which it didn’t. As a teenager, my father never crossed the line with me in the way he had when I was a toddler.
His girlfriend however was like I said, the proverbial stepmother from hell and treated me like Cinderella. She even had two daughters that according to her excelled me in everything. Because of the history between my father and my youngest half-sister, my stepmom was constantly running interference between me and my dad.
She would always put herself between us, even when it was irrelevant. She was always obstructing us and frustrating our relationship. Every time my dad and I would get close, my stepmom would move in and come between us.
She would literally always find a way to get in the way.
How I kept manifesting female interference in my love life…
Yesterday during a healing session with a healer that I will call M, I finally understood why after I left my first marriage there was always this theme of the ‘other woman’ interfering and obstructing my love relationships over the past two decades. Even my first ex-husband hooked up with our neighbor’s daughter and a mother from my son’s school, while I was pregnant with our daughter.
First, there was Adriano an Italian fling, who was a player and secretly also getting it on with the boss’s daughter. He was the first guy I fell for after my first marriage that had lasted thirteen years. But because he was not ready to commit, I walked away from that one pretty quickly.
Then there was Tomas my Czech macrobiotic boyfriend, but his ex-girlfriend was still calling him whenever we were together and he would allow her to do so. She had left him for someone else, but didn’t want to let him go either. He decided from one day to the other, that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left. I was heartbroken when we broke up and found it difficult to let him go as well.
Then I met my second husband Raphael from Senegal who started an affair with another woman when I was eight months pregnant with our son. He also had made friends with an older woman in church that he considered his mother in Germany, which was where we lived at that time. Frau D. was cold as ice and hated my guts, she was against me and our marriage. Even later, when the children were older and he brought them to her, they came back to tell me that this woman had nothing good to say about me – yet my then husband refused to see this.
My marriage that had ended before it even started dragged on for seven years a second child, a second affair of my husband with the same woman and six years of celibacy for me because my husband refused to touch me. Visiting the adopted mother, became the excuse he used to go be with his girlfriend, who initially didn’t know he was married or that I was pregnant.
When I finally divorced my second husband I was hungry for love and physical intimacy and a short slew of men came and went who were somehow always involved with another woman. They were either married or had a girlfriend. I didn’t even bother to sleep with them, because I was looking for true love and not just fun between the sheets.
This is where the twin enters, but all the way over in India. I fell in love instantly and he was single. Shortly after we met he committed to an arranged marriage, but he had lied about not having a girlfriend (saying there was no one in his life) when he was seeing someone there when I flew out to meet him. He ended up lying to and cheating on both of us, which created a lot of tension between them and him and me. If he would have just told me, he was with someone else I would have never come.
Then of course there was his mother who didn’t want a gori (foreigner) as daughter in law and three years into our connection, he married the girl his family (mother) chose for him. But it’s not my twin’s wife that is the main obstacle between us, it’s his MOTHER because everything he has done has been to please her even when it wasn’t what he truly wanted himself.
After my twin there wasn’t really anyone that sparked my interest except a guy I met at the gym, we went on a date and then his on and off girlfriend called, right when we started kissing. I kept bumping into him every so now and then over the course of three years, but we never got together because even though the girlfriend was gone at some point. He was still doing drugs and that is a deal breaker for me.
Almost seven years after I met my twin I fall in love for the first time post twin, with my current boyfriend of a couple of weeks. He was alone on this island for three years until March when his sister moved in with him, after her arranged marriage failed.
Because they are Muslim, she cannot live alone without family and he is not allowed to have a girlfriend – which means we sneak around behind his sister’s back. In many ways it feels sometimes, as if I am having an affair with a married man, even though I know 100% that he is really single.
After all the intense healing I had done, here was yet another woman interfering with my love life without her even knowing it. Because my boyfriend is Muslim and born and raised in his country of origin, he is not allowed to have sex outside of marriage and so he has to hide me (in the same way my twin has always hidden me) from his family because otherwise he would have to marry me and of course just like with my twin I may be deemed unfit because again I’m older, I’ve been married and I have children from those previous marriages.
Basically the same reasons why my twin felt he couldn’t present me to his family.
What I realized about all this female interference in my love life is that this was my stepmother running interference in the relationship with my dad, trying to protect me from what had happened to her, family sexual abuse and the irony is that while she was protecting me from my father – her father sexually abused me in the car 2 hours after I met him at age 13,5.
But of course my stepmom was only highlighting an existing past life pattern, because my twin’s current wife had already stolen him from me in a previous lifetime where she and I were identical twins (read this story here) and she had tricked him into believing that she was me.
So, this was another full circle moment, where the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. However misguided her actions were, my stepmother was trying to protect me with her obnoxious behavior. Having been raped herself by family members, even after she was married, she did try her best to avoid having me have to live through that experience.
But because I didn’t understand this as a child, I repeated to attract men into my life with a woman in their live to interfere and frustrate our love over and over again as you can see in my story. My current boyfriend has often said to me: ‘I was here for three years all by myself and then you and my sister show up almost at the same time!‘
My inner child kept recreating the same situation over and over again, because she was stuck in the frustration of wanting love and closeness with her father and this being constantly obstructed and interrupted by my father’s girlfriend and then later wife.
I have quoted Carl Jung so often where he says:
‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’
The unconscious wound of my inner child kept creating the same circumstances over and over again, with female interference to help me heal the associated past lives with my twin’s current wife, but also a previous life in which his current life mother was his wife and I was his mistress.
But because the inner child itself had not healed the illusion of female interference, I was given yet another opportunity to see the truth and forgive my stepmother even deeper for what I was still unconsciously holding against her.
For other examples of how even normal parenting situations can create trauma read this part here of The Healing Code by Alex Loyd about a woman who could not land a promotion at work because of a childhood incident that involved a popsicle.
The wound of believing I don’t deserve to be loved
But there was an even deeper trauma underneath that also played a part in this recreation of deep childhood pain. In a session with another healer we will call her F, I went back to the very first time that I was sexually abused by my father and the healer asked me what I decided in that moment that my experience meant?
As the little two year old that I was, I decided that my father masturbating in my presence, not understanding what was going on but feeling warm, wet, uncomfortable, sticky and restricted because he was holding me down with one hand – that this meant that I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
This was of course a lie, it was a false belief – but it was my interpretation at that time of what was happening to me.
Writing this teaching I realized that the theme of female interference starting with my stepmother, was how this deepest inner child wound I had, manifested itself. Because of this it became a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the female interference made sure I didn’t get the love I didn’t feel that I deserved…
These women were pulled into my life, because deep down my inner child still believed that she didn’t deserve to be loved.
Yesterday, in the session with healer M, my deceased father was also present and had on the other side in the past 12 years since he had died come to realize the damage he had done to me and my relationship to men.
He was on his knees with tears in his eyes asking me to forgive him. Apologizing for how things had gone. When I asked why he never owned up to what he had done to me and my sister when he was still with us, he answered that he had not been able to do this when he was alive because he was too ashamed of himself.
My father also explained that he had been abused as a child and that abuse runs in our ancestry. In fact being on the other side, he had seen that in many ways, my life and his life had played out the same way and he pointed out a couple of parallels and similarities.
After the session I had such pain in my heart chakra that lasted to well into the late night. But although it was painful, I was happy to finally be able to feel the pain and to be able to release it (something I had struggled with for almost all my adult life because I had so deeply disconnected myself from this pain).
Right after the session my boyfriend messages me and was disappointed because he had run to the internet store to get credit to talk to me and see what messages I had sent him, but because I had been in such a deep healing process he found none. I was fully immersed in my own pain.
Although I had successfully stopped an argument earlier this week when Mars in Taurus square Saturn in Aquarius was stirring the pot, I was far from diplomatic that evening and said what I thought and that was that I felt that I wanted our relationship more than he did and listed him all the reasons why I felt that way.
Instead of lying about it – he was honest and said that I am very dear to him, but that there is no real love on his side. Which put me in a dilemma, because I had promised myself never to settle for anything less than love and I certainly wasn’t interested in sex for the sex because otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed celibate all these years, post meeting my twin.
Then this morning as I was on my way to my boyfriend not sure if we would continue or not, I thought to myself of course I have to be in love with him in order for this wound to get triggered. If I did NOT love him. I wouldn’t care if he reciprocated my feelings or not.
I also thought what are the odds that he would say this to me, not knowing that I had just revisited these deep wounds with my dad on a level that I had before been unable to access?
I believe there is no such thing as coincidence and that fact that he said this right at the time that I was revisiting these wounds, was to help me release the pain.
Despite his words he stayed with me on Whatsapp, until we went to sleep and I was able to share that day’s healing session with him, after the initial explosion that kind of derailed the conversation for the first few hours of the evening.
Picking him up the next day he confirmed what I had already felt about his answer and that it wasn’t a black and white as it seemed. My boyfriend had a very traumatic arranged marriage (Yep, what are the odds that my twin had an arranged marriage and my boyfriend too?!).
He fled from this marriage three years ago and this experience has made him very cautious in opening his heart to love.
We were in the car parked off the road, while I was explaining to him the parallels between then and now, tears streaming down my face as I was releasing all this long pent up inner child pain. He took my face in his hands and wiped my tears away. He hugged me and held me. He listened to me and was fully present with me in a way no man has ever been present with me before. He told me how sorry he was for what had happened and held me some more before we went home, while we talked about how important it is to release these things and let go of the past – on the way back to the house.
Releasing old paradigm love templating
But here is the thing that my boyfriend showed me, my dad was super UNAVAILABLE emotionally.
The man was borderline autistic, he had an IQ of above 140 and because of his difficult childhood my father had a 10 feet wall, that was just as thick pulled up around him and he would only let you in as far as he could. Often there was just no getting through to him, which many of the men in my life have mirrored me – but not this man in my life now.
Even when it is super intense, uncomfortable or difficult my boyfriend stays in the room and stays present. He doesn’t check out emotionally the way my father did or other past love interests have, including my Twin Flame who is extremely well versed in checking out emotionally. It will be interesting to see, how me healing this in myself will work through energetically to my twin.
But, this emotional availability of my new boyfriend shows me that I am shifting the pattern, which I had noticed before in my relationship with him because I have never had such a harmonious relationship as I have with him – there is such peace between us.
Growing up in an emotional war zone the way I have, had really imprinted on me a relationship pattern of struggle and strive between men and women. I had never been modelled true equality or peace, between a man and a woman not by my parents but also not by other couples in my life.
When it was time to create my own romantic love relationships, I of course recreated what I had been modelled and that was struggle and strive. My first marriage was almost as abusive as my parent’s marriage had been and although my other relationships were never again physically violent, my second marriage was far from peaceful with a husband that refused to touch me and that was secretly having an extra-marital affair for years on end.
All the intense healing I have done throughout my life and especially in the recent years since I started my Twin Flame journey, have allowed me to reprogram these old toxic love templates that I had brought in from previous lifetimes, inherited through my maternal and paternal lineage or learned from my family of origin and that has allowed me to draw a man into my life that IS emotionally available, with whom I have a peaceful relationship and much much more.
This is such an important part of our healing process and something that is necessary in order to actually be able to HAVE a 5th dimensional Divine Partnership, the reprogramming of old 3D paradigm love templates because you cannot bring them into a higher dimensional union whether that is with your Twin Flame or someone else.
Many Twin Flames believe that being in ‘union’ with their twin is the be all end all experience, there will be no higher bliss. Yet, after doing the intense healing work that I have and now calling in a completely different caliber of men – I can say that my current boyfriend is a much better fit in many ways and holds the qualities that I value in a man and a relationship.
I have no idea what the future holds, but this is the kind of man that I want to be with. Someone who can be this present with me, this gentle, this respectful of who I am and so emotionally available. What I also really love about him is his willingness to be honest, which is very important to me. Both my ex-husbands and my twin were notorious liars.
The inner child needs to be able to grieve
Although I have mentally understood for some time that the sexual abuse by my father was meant to trigger the lifetimes where I had stepped out of power, the healing had not been complete. One of those past lifetimes was also the lifetime where I disconnected from my feelings because the pain in that lifetime had been too much to bear (a hysterectomy without anesthesia).
One of the known effects of incest is dissociation and for me one of the greatest survival mechanisms I developed was disconnecting from my feelings, because of course my childhood feelings around the incest were too painful for me to bear. Especially because of the meaning that I had assigned to it – ‘not deserving to be loved’.
Much like the survival pattern that I had brought in from this previous lifetime where they had painfully cut out my womb, I had disconnected from my feelings in this lifetime in order to be able to survive my early childhood sexual abuse.
My adult self had understood all the different connections between past and present, but my inner child had not yet been able to release the pain of her trauma. She had always disconnected from it, believing that was the only way to survive.
I am currently in the process of allowing in the pain, allowing my inner child to grieve, to allow in all those feelings that before I was too scared to allow myself to feel. This is both a challenging and painful process, yet at the same time I now know I am strong enough. to not be moved by this pain or to fear not being able to handle it.
At the same time as all this inner child pain is being released out of my heart chakra, a new aspect of my soul is descending into the physical. In a recent session with yet another healer who we will call E, she saw that there was a feminine high priestess energy from Atlantis wanting to ground from my heart chakra and solar plexus into the lower two chakras.
E saw that my current boyfriend is connected to this past life energy and soul contract and that, going to the power spot Es Vedra will help ground this energy even deeper. Tomorrow as you read this, we will have hiked up there together and see what will happen. Not that my boyfriend believes in ‘that stuff‘ but because I want to go, he wants to go with me.
Even before while talking about maybe breaking up, he still agreed to going up to this sacred place together before potentially going our separate ways.
Because we are multi-dimensional beings, healing, release and integration takes place on so many different multi-dimensional levels. Working with many different healers is an important part of this process, because in another session prior to the one I just described, with a fourth healer we will call S, S saw during a shamanic journey how the physical intimacy now with my boyfriend, after my and his many years of celibacy (my boyfriend had also been celibate for the past three years) was cleansing out my first and second chakra – which in the session after that with healer E, made perfect sense as this high priestess energy wanted to descend into these now completely cleansed lower chakras.
This shows that the soul is forever guiding our process and that despite working with different healers that do not know each other or work together, the sessions will build upon each other to facilitate what is being offered to you from Spirit.
I pray this teaching helps you understand what the Twin Flame journey is truly about and that is embodying our soul self in the physical. All the trauma whether past or present, has to be removed in order to facilitate this process. Releasing our survival patterns is an important aspect of that and much of our survival patterning was created in our early childhood.
Within the School of Inner Union, we have various talented healers to assist you in your inner child healing and other aspects of your healing and Ascension journey.